My mind is not running at its top speed right now so I’m not really up to forming a coherent opinion about these videos. But they’re creepy so I thought I’d share them—because I’m mean.
I was born to a woman who spent an alcohol fueled night with a Sasquatch. He disappeared into the forest and left me in the care of my mother, who lovingly shaved my abundant body hair on a daily basis.
My mother passed away from a flying rubber boot slamming into her face. Some say it was thrown by one of our drunken neighbors. I like to think Jesus was kicking Momma in the face.
On my own at the innocent, young age of 30, I traveled the country. I, wearing only my beanie cap and trusty pair of leg warmers, hitchhiked across the USA before I was kidnapped and sold to a nefarious band of button collectors, who used my tiny fingers to search for . . . well, buttons.
I could take no more. Upon finding a particularly exquisite button with a picture of two goats fornicating on it, I ran away. With my button.
I stowed away on a steamer-ship headed for China, where I learned the true art of button collecting. I also got syphilis. After an aggressive dosage of penicillin and more disease riddled sex, I was cured.
Returning home, I settled in a tiny little town known as “That Shithole.” Here, I work on my painted potatoes and continue to pursue my lifelong dream of owning my own front door.
Or not.
Dad?
Duh
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.--Clarence Darrow
I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect.--Edward Gibbon
Don't become so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.--Bill Maher
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute.--Rebecca West
Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill.--Betty Friedan
Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist if at the same time she manages to be a good wife, a good mother, good-looking, good-tempered, well-dressed, well-groomed, and unaggressive.--Marya Mannes
It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.-Sally Kempton
Men define intelligence, men define usefulness, men tell us what is beautiful, men even tell us what is womanly.--Sally Kempton
Give to every human being every right that you claim for yourself.--Robert Ingersoll
In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman.--Nancy Astor
I am not a pretty girl, that’s not what I do.--Ani DiFranco