Twitch.
So, I go out to my car today and what do I see? A giant bottle of alcohol in a brown paper bag, sitting right next to Krypto. I, of course, get mad and kick the bottle, sending it into another parking spot. Childish temper tantrum aside, it was satisfying.
Then I notice that some of my new neighbors have decided to follow Thelma Jo’s advice. Who is Thelma Jo? Well, she’s the host of the TLC show White Trash Design.
Note: Trash comes in all colors, genders, and economic levels. Trash is universal.
So, apparently, Thelma Jo has told her viewers to decorate their decks with beer cans. Do not, Thelma Jo says, put the beer cans everywhere. Just place a couple in prime spots around the deck, like the corners of the railing. This helps your guests’ eyes move around the space, so that they can take in the broken down plastic lawn chairs ($1 down at the flea market!) and your shorted out Christmas lights, which hang down from the trash twisty tie you used to attach them to your deck railing.
This was once a nice place. The apartment we lived in before this was a real dump: no screen door (it was always “on order”), stinky smells we could never get rid of, drunk parties in the parking lot (worst part? We were never invited), dog poo everywhere, and stagnant water, which was great for mosquito breeding. Of course, the cherry on top of this crap sundae was the snake under my stove. Sure, you could say that he wasn’t that big and he just showed up once. But in my mind, he was the size of the basilisk in the second Harry Potter movie and I fought him off with some yarn and an old Rice-A-Roni box.
So, anyway, I pull up to a traffic light as I leave the apartment complex. I get into the left hand turn lane. I’m second in line, behind this silver car with its left turn signal on. Light turns green and he doesn’t move. It’s only then that I notice a guy walking up to my window. He knocks on my car (first mistake!) and says, “Yeah, I’m broken down.”
OK, fine. I usually feel bad for people who break down around here because of the heavy traffic flow. People can get nasty if you slow them down when they’re on their way to Dunkin’ Donuts.
So I say, “Oh, I just thought you were turning because your blinker is on. I didn’t see the hazard lights.”
His response? “I don’t know how to turn the hazards on.”
People, all I could do was blink at him. Seriously. Blink. Blink. Roll up window. Pull away.
