2007 September 23 « The Essentia Sphere

I Figured It Out!

September 23, 2007 at 11:46 am (Politics, Random)

I’ve been wondering for weeks why I dislike Fred Thompson so much. Is it his country boy schtick? Is it the I’ll do it but I don’t want to work hard vibe he gives off? Is it the stupid video where he’s chomping on a cigar and muttering around a mouth of marbles? Possibly. Or, Fred Thompson reminds me of someone.

This is Fred Thompson.

This is the evil guy in the painting in the movie Ghostbusters 2.

This is the evil guy in the painting in Ghostbusters 2 when he gets out of the painting.

See? That’s why I don’t like Fred Thompson. Because he used black magic to escape from a painting.*

*Possibly not true.

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I was born to a woman who spent an alcohol fueled night with a Sasquatch. He disappeared into the forest and left me in the care of my mother, who lovingly shaved my abundant body hair on a daily basis. My mother passed away from a flying rubber boot slamming into her face. Some say it was thrown by one of our drunken neighbors. I like to think Jesus was kicking Momma in the face. On my own at the innocent, young age of 30, I traveled the country. I, wearing only my beanie cap and trusty pair of leg warmers, hitchhiked across the USA before I was kidnapped and sold to a nefarious band of button collectors, who used my tiny fingers to search for . . . well, buttons. I could take no more. Upon finding a particularly exquisite button with a picture of two goats fornicating on it, I ran away. With my button. I stowed away on a steamer-ship headed for China, where I learned the true art of button collecting. I also got syphilis. After an aggressive dosage of penicillin and more disease riddled sex, I was cured. Returning home, I settled in a tiny little town known as “That Shithole.” Here, I work on my painted potatoes and continue to pursue my lifelong dream of owning my own front door. Or not.
Dad?
Duh

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.--Clarence Darrow I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect.--Edward Gibbon Don't become so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.--Bill Maher I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute.--Rebecca West Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill.--Betty Friedan Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist if at the same time she manages to be a good wife, a good mother, good-looking, good-tempered, well-dressed, well-groomed, and unaggressive.--Marya Mannes It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.-Sally Kempton Men define intelligence, men define usefulness, men tell us what is beautiful, men even tell us what is womanly.--Sally Kempton Give to every human being every right that you claim for yourself.--Robert Ingersoll In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman.--Nancy Astor I am not a pretty girl, that’s not what I do.--Ani DiFranco

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The Essentia Sphere

I Figured It Out!

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