2007 September 15 « The Essentia Sphere

Things I Wish I Never Knew Existed

September 15, 2007 at 5:20 pm (Random)

When I checked my mail today, not only did I not get the decoder ring that I sent off for 10 years ago but I got this monstrosity of a catalog. I have no idea how I got on their mailing list but I promise you this: someone will pay for it.

Look folks! It’s a Hillary Clinton Nutcracker! Isn’t that clever? Don’t ya get it—it’s because she’s tough and busts guys’ balls! Hilarious.

But don’t worry. As I looked at the delightful Mini Pole Dancer and lame T-shirts apparently meant for 12 year old boys, only one thing truly caught my eye. That’s right folks. I’m gettin’ me a dog crap Christmas ornament! Yee-haw!

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I was born to a woman who spent an alcohol fueled night with a Sasquatch. He disappeared into the forest and left me in the care of my mother, who lovingly shaved my abundant body hair on a daily basis. My mother passed away from a flying rubber boot slamming into her face. Some say it was thrown by one of our drunken neighbors. I like to think Jesus was kicking Momma in the face. On my own at the innocent, young age of 30, I traveled the country. I, wearing only my beanie cap and trusty pair of leg warmers, hitchhiked across the USA before I was kidnapped and sold to a nefarious band of button collectors, who used my tiny fingers to search for . . . well, buttons. I could take no more. Upon finding a particularly exquisite button with a picture of two goats fornicating on it, I ran away. With my button. I stowed away on a steamer-ship headed for China, where I learned the true art of button collecting. I also got syphilis. After an aggressive dosage of penicillin and more disease riddled sex, I was cured. Returning home, I settled in a tiny little town known as “That Shithole.” Here, I work on my painted potatoes and continue to pursue my lifelong dream of owning my own front door. Or not.
Dad?
Duh

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.--Clarence Darrow I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect.--Edward Gibbon Don't become so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.--Bill Maher I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute.--Rebecca West Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill.--Betty Friedan Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist if at the same time she manages to be a good wife, a good mother, good-looking, good-tempered, well-dressed, well-groomed, and unaggressive.--Marya Mannes It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.-Sally Kempton Men define intelligence, men define usefulness, men tell us what is beautiful, men even tell us what is womanly.--Sally Kempton Give to every human being every right that you claim for yourself.--Robert Ingersoll In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman.--Nancy Astor I am not a pretty girl, that’s not what I do.--Ani DiFranco

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The Essentia Sphere

Things I Wish I Never Knew Existed

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About Me

Dad?

Duh