True Art
Very few times in people’s lives do they see true art—a true masterpiece. This has been out for a while but I want to share it with you all because of how deeply it has touched me. The profound impact it has had on me is indescribable.
Cherry pie. Pears. Bad accents. Chicken. This is art, my friends.
Move. No. Move. No. It touches you, doesn’t it?
A . . . midget? Who crapped his pants? WTH? This isn’t art! It’s garbage!
Oh, now I remember why I laughed until I cried when I first saw this. Yeah, nevermind.
I Don’t Like You
I’m going to be meaner than usual. Hey! It can happen—I’m sure there’s a level above me on the Mean Meter, right? Why are you running away? Get back here!
1. Perez Hilton
What is that on his lip? Is that supposed to be some sort of moustache or did a worm die there? And he can change his hair color to “wacky” color all he wants—until he grows it long and uses it to cover his face he’s not helping anybody.
2. Paris Hilton
Her sexuality is not why I hate her—women get called slut enough without me adding to it. No, I can’t stand her because she contributes nothing, is entitled, and is held up as an example to young girls. Also, she looks like a praying mantis—see? I’m shallow!
3. George Clooney
He can’t act. Every character he plays is exactly the same. He smirks and dips his head down—that’s it! That’s how he acts! And quit telling me how handsome he is—he looks greasy. He was the weakest link of ER and I avoid movies that he stars in.
4. Ann Coulter
You know there’s nothing I can say about this waste of space. She’s a disgusting human being who, hopefully, will never breed—because she’d make a lousy dad.
5. Bill O’Reilly
First of all, Lynn Samuels is awesome. She’s an older lady that cusses like a sailor—awesome.
Secondly, O’Reilly has built his career on half-truths. He picks what supports his points and he ignores everything else. He bullies people (and when I say “bully” I mean the true meaning of a bully and not the definition used by people who can’t handle people disagreeing with them) and, as was displayed so well in a MAD magazine, his head is HUGE.
OK. I’m stopping at five. But only because you look scared. You know I have more but I appear to have frightened you so I’ll stop. Jeez, it’s not like I put you on here, right?
Yet. 
Justice
Folks, I don’t know what the problem is with Lohan getting off with a slap on the wrist. Sure, she had drugs on her. And yes, she stole a car, drove while intoxicated, and she—while in a cocaine and/or drunken haze—drove recklessly while chasing someone. But really, why should she go to jail? She has money. She’s white. She used to be cute. And her boobs were once magnificent. In America, we don’t put people like that in jail. Jail is for crackheads who have no money so they get stuck with an overworked public defender. Jail is for people who drive drunk at least three times. Jail is for . . . well, you know. Minorities.
Thank goodness the American justice system has once again upheld the idea of everyone being equal under the law. What a fine day for American justice!
Gag.
What?!?!
