Things That Are Out to Get Me
1. Birds: Do I look like Snow White? No, I do not. So stop singing your creepy little happy songs right outside of my bedroom window at the crack of dawn. I do not like you and I do not want you around me. Your joy only enrages me—that’s why I growled at you.
PS: I know it was you that crapped on Krypto. I will have my revenge.
2. Squirrels: These rodents surround my apartment. They are fat because my stupid neighbors feed them. They are brave because my stupid neighbors feed them. When they follow me to my car and offer gas money for a ride, it may be a sign that they’ve been around humans too much.
3. My AC: It continues to blink out on me. It will kick out hot air and my apartment managers tell me to turn the breaker off for 15 seconds. Once it’s back on, it should be fine.
They are liars. Dirty, stinking liars. I will turn the breaker off and on over 10 times and the AC continues to mock me with its hot air. I always have to call the handymen. And guess how they fix it? By turning the breaker off and then back on! Problem fixed!
Then I get the pity look—you know, the one people save for the stupid and/or ugly. Once the handyman leaves, I hear chuckling from the AC—this may be a new kind of warfare. Not sure. Will report back soon with any new information.
4. My New Neighbors: Their laughter disgusts me. Their hope for their brand new home makes me want to shove their furniture down the stairs. Glaring at them doesn’t deter them from being happy. Shooting the evil eye out of my front door’s peephole has no effect. The situation has become desperate—I may have to resort to the old Get Rid of the Neighbors standby: no pants. Ever.
5. Frosty the Snowman: I’d rather not go into the details. Just know that this little conflict has been going on for decades. It may decide the fate of the world.
Never say that I didn’t warn you.
