I Have Seen Hell
And it is a county fair.
Listen, man, I’m not above raising animals. As a kid, I helped my dad raise some hogs. I’ve been to fairs my whole life. But, apparently, they’ve gotten . . . horrific since I was a child. Rules should be followed with county fairs.
1. Everyone should put in their teeth. This includes visitors, carnies, and especially the town mayor.
2. Embrace your chubbiness. Wear a baggy shirt. Dare to buy pants that fit you. Muffin tops only make you look bigger than what you probably are.
3. Bathing is good. Greasy hair, dirty fingernails, or brown stains are only appropriate on the people caring for their animals. It is not OK to “dress up” for the fair and come away looking like you actually slept with the prize hogs.
4. It is not OK to think you are the height of fashion when you wear a giant football jersey and a baseball cap turned to the side. You do not look cool. You look “special” in a short bus sort of way.
5. Close your mouth. It does not help your “special” look.
5. Listen to me, little teenagers. You will not meet the love of your life at the county fair. What you will get is a partner for a quick grope out behind the stinky cow barn. That’s it. Here’s an idea: instead of standing around with your muffin tops, giant football jerseys, and open mouths, go get an education. Leave this place. Have babies elsewhere. Do not continue the cycle of stupidity and inbreeding.
It is an evening that I can never get back. It was spent watching rusty carnival rides circle above me. I admit that I spent more time than was healthy weighing the pros and cons of kicking over the Republican party table, which was set up, appropriately enough, in a haze of cow crap.
Sure, I may have felt some pang of envy when I saw the giant Lego Batmobile in the craft contest building. But it quickly faded when I walked down aisle after aisle of giant vegetables. Obviously, the people in this county are using nuclear waste to grow their food with. Note to self: never buy local.
But the worst thing to come of this little . . . trip? Adventure? Self-torture? Anyway, Krypto had to be parked in a field. A field!
She has taken too much abuse lately. The only thing that will calm her is the blood of innocents.
Hey, what can I say? She’s evil. *shrugs*
Where The Eagles Cry, Yo
Everyone, look away. This is for Krypto’s headlights only.
Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry, on a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong
Far from the world we know
Up where the clear winds blow
Mock all you want, people. But today, my girl had dust explode all over her interior and a dog climb into her back seat. She has been violated! Her rage is total. Fear for us all, for the end has come.
Behold!
My rage builds. In fact, I hope you choke on that cookie I gave you the other day.
May you all sleep with dirty dogs! May you all tear off your fingernails and have back pain from lifting things you shouldn’t! Oh, how I wish that you were sweaty and never felt clean! I curse you all with indigestion and itchy skin! May odd smells haunt your every waking moment! Curse you all!
Your Life Is Unhappy
Because I won’t be able to pay very much attention to you for awhile. So, here’s a cookie.
Don’t worry, solitary reader with a learning disability, I’m sure something will enrage me. I won’t be gone long, believe me.
Misogyny: The World’s Oldest Prejudice #2
Aristotle has been described as one of the most ferocious misogynists of all time.
What? I never learned that in school! I was just told how important his thoughts were on the very foundations of our culture. And . . . oh.
Therefore, according to Aristotle, the male semen must carry the soul or spirit, and all the potential for the person to be fully human. The female, the recipient of the male seed, provides merely the matter, the nutritive environment.
Uh, OK. They didn’t have the scientific knowledge that we do now so that could be . . . an honest mistake. I guess. OK, not really. But surely it couldn’t have had that much of an influence on Western thought—I mean, we know better now, right?
Uh-oh.
The full potential of the child is reached only if it is born male; if the ‘cold constitution’ of the female predominates, through an excess of menstrual fluid in the womb, then the child will fail to reach its full human potential and the result is female. ‘For the female is, as it were, a mutilated male,’ Aristotle concludes.
Damn it.
But that was thousands of years ago! How could that affect us now? I’m sure most people don’t really believe that women are “mutilated males”. And surely these ideas that have influenced our civilizations for thousands of years have no influence on our own, personal thoughts. Of course, no one thinks women are less—except when they argue the biological imperative of motherhood as a reason for women to stay at home/raise children/get permission of a male politician to perform a surgical procedure on herself/dress sexy/don’t dress sexy/wear a purity ring/use masculine terms when she wishes to be taken seriously in the workplace (I got the biggest balls in here so I know I can hang with the big boys)/is told that her body needs to be covered up/her body is dirty/don’t lead a guy on/aren’t you a pretty princess?/math is hard/porn is for a liberated woman/show us your tits and we’ll give you these beads/no hair below your eyebrows/your boobs need to look like this/no fat chicks/how to make your man happy!/top ten sex tips to drive your man wild/and I’m so sorry. I seem to have blacked out there for a minute.
I’m sure it was a fugue state brought on by my rage. Stupid world.
Misogyny: The World’s Oldest Prejudice
‘We have hetaerae for our pleasure, concubines for our daily needs, and wives to give us legitimate children and look after the housekeeping,’ Demosthenes, the greatest of the Athenian orators, is reported to have said. This demarcation associating female virtue with sexlessness has been used to dehumanize women to this day.
Why TWoP Sucks
Television Without Pity. It sucks. Let’s see why, shall we?
1. The View thread. Talk about not being able to let something go.
2. The “shippers”—you know, the people who go crazy over fictional couples on TV shows.
3. The crappy stuff said about people based on their race or gender. Why can someone post a misogynistic rant but I get a warning if I call them on it?
4. The massive superiority complex some of the posters apparently have. Every one of their posts has to mention that they’re a stay at home mom, or a lawyer, or a fire eater. Whatever they are, that life experience has made them an expert on whatever they’re talking about.
5. The mods. They step in when people talk about the boards but they’ll let some dummy spout a bunch of BS for 5 pages straight without chiming in at all. Basically, it comes down to saying whatever you want to say just don’t pick on them or the circus they’re running.
I hate the place. Yet, strangely, I read the forums every time I shove my lunch into my round face. That’s daily, people. I hate the place but I still spend my lunch time there. Now who sucks?
Me. I mean that I suck for spending my lunchtime at a place that I hate. Of course, I could be reading a stupid blog right now so there are worse things that I could be doing with my lunchtime.
Ice Road Truckers
I’m such a dork that I’m now hooked on Ice Road Truckers. They show the stupid CGI truck going through the ice too much but otherwise, it’s a good show. You get your bragging jerks—Hugh and Rick—and you also have your awesome drivers who keep their heads down and do their jobs well—Alex and Jay. Add in two rookies—Drew is the guy in over his head and TJ is the young man who’s taking it seriously—and you have a pretty tense show.
Of course, their awesome accents help as well. That particular Canadian accent is now my favorite accent ever. Can you think of a better accent, eh?
You’re Stupid
On the first day of school, some of my teachers would hand out a worksheet with a long list of directions. All of the directions were strange. They said things like “Flip this page over and draw a circle on the back of the page.” Except for the last direction. That one basically told you that if you had read all the way down to the last direction, you didn’t have to do any of the nutty stuff that the other 17 directions told you to do.
It was a way to teach students about following directions and reading comprehension. Of course, most kids didn’t read all the directions before starting and ending up doing some weird stuff on their first day back to school.
Why am I bringing this up? Because of something I’ve noticed on this wonderful Internet thing. It doesn’t really have anything to do with following directions but it does have everything to do with reading comprehension.
Go to any message board and you’ll see what I’m talking about. People can’t comprehend what they read. It’s sad really. You’ll see someone post something and then people will respond to that post—but they will have totally missed the point. But of course, they think they understood it so they’re off and running. I tell you, if I didn’t already hate humanity, this would probably do it.
So, you have people who can’t comprehend what they read. Add in their own knowledge of their own superiority. Now, put in a little confusion as to whether comments about a movie, a TV show, or a comic equal a personal attack on someone who loves that movie, TV show, or comic. Now what do you have? Why, you have the stupidity of a message board.
Here’s an example:
I’m sorry but I think that Movie A is offensive. Not only does it insult women but I find its jokes about minorities disgusting.
Why don’t you like this movie? It’s funny—can’t anyone take a joke anymore? Anyways, I like the popcorn at the theater so I’ll probably see it.
See? Sure, it looks like a reasonable response but what it actually shows is that the responder can’t read or can’t comprehend what he’s reading. It also shows that he can’t think through problems very well. Here’s another one.
I wasn’t happy with the way he ended it. I don’t know—I just think more could have been done with the final conflict. Certain things were foreshadowed that were never brought up again.
I would disagree. Everyone fought in the battle. They were there. I remember. Also, I am sad that it is over.
What?
Pay attention the next time you’re on a message board. See how people respond to other people. Notice that not only do people take comments about entertainment that they enjoy as insults against themselves, but also notice that most of them are stupid. They can’t comprehend what they read and, to add a cherry to my rage sundae, most of them don’t care.
Share My Disgust
I’m in the middle of reading Misogyny: The World’s Oldest Prejudice and if you thought I was angry before . . .
What’s so odd about this book is that I’m actually learning things—it’s strange because I already know everything!
It took no training in philosophy to decipher the misogyny behind the use of the word ‘cunt’. But the exaltation of the Virgin Mary as Mother of God proved that misogyny can push a woman upwards as well as downwards. In either direction, the destination is the same: woman dehumanized.
What?!?! Is he actually claiming that it’s a bad thing for women to be put on Mother Pedestals? But-but-but I thought we, as women, were supposed to be grateful for even that little bit of admiration! Honestly, isn’t that where our true power lies—as mothers?
Oh. I just made myself throw up a little.
