Things I Hate
All the anti-feminism stuff I’ve been reading online has drained me of the will to fight. So I’m going back to what I do best—I’m ranting about stuff that irritates me.
1. James Bond: These movies are just wish fulfillment for teenage boys. Gadgets and girls. Yawn. Plus, the last Bond looks like a Shar-Pei puppy. And not in a good way.
2. People who only want to learn about the good parts of their country’s history. Combine that with the people who think that their country can do no wrong and I want to punch a wall.
3. The Rolling Stones: Disgusting men making offensive music. Wiggle around all you want, Mick. You’ll always just look like a lamprey eel to me.
4. The Baby Boomer Generation: Yeah, I know. You invented everything. You all had ideals and worked to make the world a better place. Not a one of you every just liked to get high or sleep with as many people as you could. Nope. It was all idealistic striving for a better world. So, how’s it feel to be a corporate lap dog now, baby boomer?
5. Cameron Diaz: Girl looks like a frog. Quit telling me that’s she’s beautiful. In fact, quit telling me that all these famous women are beautiful. I don’t believe you. I think something may be wrong with your eyesight or your taste.
6. Stop trying to sell me stuff that’s supposed to keep me from aging. Here’s a secret: I’m supposed to age! Society’s youth worship has combined with the beauty industry’s greed to create a world full of women who hate themselves. Just because I don’t look like a porn star doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me.
7. The video game industry: You’re right up there with the comic book industry on the misogyny scale, my friend. There’s a reason I rarely buy your magazines. Here’s a hint: I got tired of all the half-naked women in ads. Also, Playstation 2 (or is it now Playstation 3?) magazine, the reason you’ll never see any more of my money is because you mocked a woman who wrote a letter to you about the over-sexualization of women in your magazine. Here’s hoping you all get a good case of the month-long Hershey squirts.
8. My neighbors: Why is it so hard for adults to figure out how to live quietly in an apartment? Your music should not be shaking my shelves, I should not be able to hear you sing drunkenly to your roommate, and I certainly shouldn’t be able to hear you play polka on your awesome keyboard. Please move out. Also, don’t talk to me. I don’t know you but I don’t like you.
9. Know-it-alls: These aren’t just the people who feel the need to correct everything you say. No, this also includes people who feel the need to talk down to you and the people who assume you don’t know something. They make me want to hit them with a spoon. Repeatedly.
10. Fox News: I hate you. Yesterday, for Memorial Day, you brought on some country singer and Pat Boone. Do you know why they were there? To talk about how Hollywood doesn’t support the troops. I’m not making this up. The country singer stared off into space a lot and the only reason he was there was because he has sung a couple patriotic songs. Pat Boone started talking about Communists taking over Hollywood and how it was better when war movies starred John Wayne. Not only was it a half an hour of my life I’ll never get back but I do believe I’ve permanently damaged my teeth from grinding them through the whole thing. Ah, Fox News. Where people go to be patted on the head and to keep from thinking about the hard questions.
