Why Do I Know This?
It’s another round-up of things that I don’t care about. Yet for some reason, I know about them.
1. Jessica Simpson has broken up with Pudding Face—I’m sorry, John Mayer. Come on! I can’t be the only one horribly confused about this man’s popularity! Sure, she now looks like an Oompa-Loompa, but his face is melting, people!
2. Former Creed frontman Scott Stapp was arrested for assault or something. My main question when I read this story—well, after I wondered who Scott Stapp was—was “Wow. Where has Creed been?” But really I don’t want an answer to either of those questions.
3. Anne Heche is getting a divorce. Is this before or after she got lost in some bushes? Oh wait, that was Margot Kidder. Poor Lois Lane.
4. Jessica Alba has posed for pictures in GQ. She’s drooling. No, I’m not joking. Sue Storm—who makes a point to say that she’s an actor and not just a pretty face—let them take a picture of her while she drools on herself. She’s in a bikini, of course.
5. Lindsay Lohan tops Maxim’s Hot 100 list. There are so many things wrong with that statement that I don’t know where to begin. OK, here goes. First of all, grow a pair and buy real porn, boys. Second, a list? You need a list that reduces women to numbers? I’m beginning to see why you need the magazine. And lastly, Lohan? Really. Out of everyone out there, that’s the one you come up with. Well. Indeed. Really?!
I know it’s only five. But really, that’s all I can do without my brain dying. How does this stuff get in there? I bet if I could take out all the useless celebrity knowledge in my brain and replace it with something useful—like how to pay attention or how to deal with people—I could really make something of myself. Gasp! I could be someone. Like a . . . celebrity.
Nah. They don’t let fat girls on TV or in movies. I thinks it’s a rule. Something about wide screens or the catering staff—forget it! I’ll just let the stupid stuff stay in there. It’s not like I’m using my brain for anything else.
