Just So You Know
Look, I grew up in the country. I like the country. I don’t turn my nose up at it or look down on people who live in the country. My dream is to one day live there again. Maybe.
But when I go to the country, I’m slowly driven insane. Let’s go over some pointers on how not to drive me insane, shall we?
1. Cowboy hats should not be worn unless you are, at that very moment, herding cattle. Cowboy boots and hats are not necessary when you drive your SUV to Target and Starbucks. You look stupid.
2. Listen very closely to this one. Pay attention. You have driven this route before. You do not need to slow down to look at a cow in a field. Seriously. It’s the same cow as yesterday and the day before. It doesn’t switch out on you to mess with your head.
3. Do not pull out in front of me when there is no one behind me. First of all, you have no idea how fast I’m going. And believe me, I’m going way faster than you think. Secondly, there’s no one behind me! There’s no need to cut me off, slow me down, and make me mad because you would have had to wait 5 seconds longer before pulling out. You know I can’t pass you—by the way, every road in the country is a two lane road with no passing zones. Something I never noticed until I moved to a city in which a four lane road is considered small.
4. A rat tail on your 4 year old is not a source of pride. No, not even when it reaches halfway down his back.
5. I understand that it’s Wal-Mart. Being in that store is not my proudest moment. But please understand that though it is a cesspool of the scum of humanity, you still need to dress yourself appropriately. That means clothes that fit your body type. It also means your clothes should be relatively clean. Also, I understand that you like the Washington Redskins. Every article of clothing you have on your body does not need to reinforce that idea. Just a Washington Redskins hat would get your point across wonderfully.
6. Last, but certainly not least, little women driving massive trucks need to learn that once they are out of the truck, their asses can be beaten just like anyone else’s ass. You must stop at the stop sign and not run through it while giving me the finger. You’ve angered Krypto and her best friend—me—and it is not something we will forget. Your little rat face has been committed to our memories and we have a good idea where you live. Granted, you live 200 miles away and I hate to leave my computer and my WoW video game, but my revenge will come. Somehow. Maybe. Probably not.
Sigh.
Impotent rage is the worst kind.
